Seeing the Positive

My mom was so positive.  She tried to always live in the moment.  She saw the best in everything.  She saw the beauty in her day to day world.  I have often wondered how she was like that.  When she was alive she would often try to explain it to me.  She gave me a book to read – The Power of Now.  I couldn’t get through the first few pages.  We were so different.  I have tried since she passed away to wake up and think – Oh what a great day, the sun is shining and today will be amazing.  But then I just laugh at myself because that is just so asinine.  It isn’t how I think.  I can’t make myself be that way.  There are days I am happier and upbeat.  There are days I am not.  There are definitely more days of not happy and upbeat.  Does that make me a miserable, unhappy person?  Not really.  I think it makes me realistic.  Each day is not a joy…but I am thankful that I have each day.  Every day I am thankful for my beautiful little boy….even when he drives me nuts. I just don’t look at the glass as half full…I never have and I don’t think I should make myself try – it isn’t realistic for me.  I think my glass is too full.  It is overflowing.  Not overflowing with bad or good.  Just overflowing with life.  

When my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, I knew right away we were going to lose her.  I don’t know why, but I knew she wouldn’t live long.  Some thought that was a very bad way to look at her illness – but I chose to be realistic about it.  I still did have hope that I was wrong and she would beat her cancer…but I didn’t let myself get into that hope too much – I didn’t want to be let down.  I did the research – I saw her odds – and I saw her.  I knew her so well.  She was so positive the whole time – so amazing.  But she never seemed scared, never showed emotion.  And I believe that was to protect us.  And because of that, I knew she knew.  My mom was so in tune with herself, her body, her being.  I think she knew it wasn’t good.  She would fight the good fight…and she did – like a warrior…but in the end, it was her time and she knew. 

I think a lot of times I am negative.  I always think the worst will happen.  It is a defense mechanism of course.  If I tell myself the worst will happen and it does – I am not disappointed.  If it turns out better – great.  It seems silly I know, but it tends to work for me…so I will just keep going with it.  Sorry Mom – I just don’t have your genes when it comes to positive thinking.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying….and I know when I do you are watching down smiling.

People

I am starting to wonder why it seems lately that no one has a filter.  People just seem to be saying and doing what they want with absolutely no regard to others.  Since I am pretty decent, honest person who tries to mind my own business – this behavior just astounds me.  I had a conversation with my brother, Michael, the other day and at the conclusion of the conversation I said to him – I hate people.  He agreed.  I suppose I don’t hate all people however, there are a lot of people I could do without.

I went to Walgreen’s the other day on my way to work.  I needed to purchase a wrist brace (I will talk about that some other time) and while I was there I realized I had nothing to snack on at work.  I saw these chips – Popcorn Chips – Gluten Free.  I am allergic/sensitive to gluten, so seeing a Gluten Free chip that I had never had sparked my interest.  I picked up the bag and went to check out.  They rang up $4.29.  (it was a big bag).  The checker looks at me and says “$4.29?  Hope they are good.”  I agree - $4.29 is pricey but again – big bag, Gluten Free, Walgreens = expensive.  But that isn’t the point.  The point is – it is none of her business.  When she took the job at Walgreens I have to guess critiquing purchases and calling out that items may be quite expensive probably wasn’t part of the job description.  

Another example of overstepping would be this past weekend.  We had 3 showings for our condo (yay for us!).  We cleaned that morning before we left for the day.  The place was spotless.  When we got home we see there is a glass in the sink.  We didn’t leave it there.  Meaning someone during one of these showings felt it was ok to use one of our glasses and then just leave it in the sink.  EW.  My mind just because a flurry of questions as I stare at the glass in the sink.  I didn’t want to even touch it.  Who’s lips were on it?  And what did they drink??  Water?  Did they decide to go in the fridge and take some of my kid’s juice? Should I throw the cup away?  Should I use gloves to take it out of the sink? A showing doesn’t mean you can use our stuff.  I would NEVER do this.  NEVER.  I would rather choke to death than use someone’s glassware if I was at a showing.  That is because I have manners (and I really wouldn’t know how clean the glass was). 

Am I overreacting?  Have I just become so bitchy from lack of sleep and parenting that things easily annoy me?  I don’t know, but please don’t comment on my purchases or use my glasses without asking.  

On Being a Motherless Mother

When my mom died I went back to see my therapist.  I am pretty open about seeing a therapist now.  I mean I had a baby and 1 month later my mom was diagnosed with Brain Cancer – 6 months later she died.  It was horrific.  When I went to my therapist she called me a motherless mother.  There is a book about it.  It isn’t a phrase she coined.  But when she said it – I hated it.  I didn’t want the label.  I still hate it.  It sounds so hopeless.  But there is truth that being a motherless mother is much different than being a mom and having your mom around.  As I watch my son grow I am heartbroken she isn’t here.  But I am also pissed that I am missing out on having all my mom’s knowledge to help me.  I do have my MIL and she is great – I love her – but I want my mom plain and simple.  I don’t want to have to go to the internet to try and figure out if he is getting his 2 year molars early.  I want to know when I got my 2 year molars – did my brothers get theirs early?  She would know this.  She would remember.  That is how my mom was.  Her life was her kids.   People keep telling me time heals the wounds…which I am sure it does.  But I will always be missing that part of being able to go to my mom about parenting questions.  Or calling her just to say – Mom, Graham just did the cutest thing…

I have come to the acceptance part of grief.  I accept she is gone.  I don’t like it but I accept it.  I am getting to the point where I am starting to remember her not being sick and remembering her for who she was.  I am getting to the point where I chat with her in my head at night.  But I am having a hard time not feeling sorry for myself – that I am a motherless mother.  And I have a feeling I will always feel that way.  I missed out.  And I think that sucks.

First Post

Blogging.  What does it mean?  Why would I want to do it?  I mean, who would ever care what I have to say?  The truth is I am drawn to it because it meant a lot to  my mom.  She was an avid blogger and had quite a following.  http://www.fourdogday.blogspot.com/.   I didn’t read her blog everyday when she was here…but now that she is gone her blog is like gold to me.  I mean, don't take that the wrong way - I am not blogging just in case I die to leave my family an online memoir.  But for the past few months I have wanted to give it a try.  So I will.  I may not keep up with it.  I may not like it.  I may quit.  Or not.  Who knows.

Anyway, I am 37 year old married mother of an almost 16 month old.  My husband, Chris, and I live in his original bachelor pad in Chicago which we are trying to sell so we can move on to the suburbs and buy a house.  Ahhh…when I write it really sounds so stereotypical I could vomit.  But it is what it is.  Since I had my son my life has none the less become chaos.  Typical I assume.  I feel lucky in the morning to get out of the house with matching socks.  I work part time (4 days a week, 6 hours a day) …but I have a long commute – so I really feel like I am out of the house full time.  Right now we have a  nanny 3 days a week and my son goes to my MIL one day a week.  But he soon will start daycare.  Good luck to them and him.  He has  no schedule and no structure.  Our fault of course, but I thought it was best for him to just be “free”.  We will see how he adapts in a few weeks.

Life with a toddler is….well….insane.  When people ask me when we are having another I want to laugh hysterically and say NEVER.  I don’t know if that is true or not, but we live in a one bedroom condo on the 3^rd floor with no elevator and my kid still doesn’t sleep through the night because his crib is like 5 feet away from me.  So having another kid just isn’t in the cards right now.  And may never be.  All my life I wanted to have a child.  Now I have one.  And it is tough.  Don’t get me wrong – he makes me happy every single day.  I love him more than anything.  But there is nothing easy about being a parent.  

I always feel so disheartened by those amazing moms that just seem to ooze motherhood and being domestic.  I feel like I just am running around like a maniac hoping, like I said earlier, to get out of the house with matching socks.  I was never like this before.  I kept a very clean home, I liked having matching, well fitting, fashionable clothing, I didn’t allow for chipped fingernail polish….etc.  But now as an example…we were having a showing for our condo the other day and had about 1 hour to clean before Chris got home with the kid.  I was running around cleaning and when I got to the bathroom hand towels I realized I just didn’t want to deal with laundry but I knew they were dirty.  So…as gross as it is…I turned them around because the other side looked fine.  Jesus.  Who am I?  I have no idea.  Seriously.  I have no idea who this person is I have become, but I am pretty sure I am a mommy who has chipped nailpolish, is crammed tightly into my jeans which don’t look flattering, has my wet hair in a ponytail to go to work and has a minimally clean house.  Is that wrong?