Seeing the Positive

My mom was so positive.  She tried to always live in the moment.  She saw the best in everything.  She saw the beauty in her day to day world.  I have often wondered how she was like that.  When she was alive she would often try to explain it to me.  She gave me a book to read – The Power of Now.  I couldn’t get through the first few pages.  We were so different.  I have tried since she passed away to wake up and think – Oh what a great day, the sun is shining and today will be amazing.  But then I just laugh at myself because that is just so asinine.  It isn’t how I think.  I can’t make myself be that way.  There are days I am happier and upbeat.  There are days I am not.  There are definitely more days of not happy and upbeat.  Does that make me a miserable, unhappy person?  Not really.  I think it makes me realistic.  Each day is not a joy…but I am thankful that I have each day.  Every day I am thankful for my beautiful little boy….even when he drives me nuts. I just don’t look at the glass as half full…I never have and I don’t think I should make myself try – it isn’t realistic for me.  I think my glass is too full.  It is overflowing.  Not overflowing with bad or good.  Just overflowing with life.  

When my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer, I knew right away we were going to lose her.  I don’t know why, but I knew she wouldn’t live long.  Some thought that was a very bad way to look at her illness – but I chose to be realistic about it.  I still did have hope that I was wrong and she would beat her cancer…but I didn’t let myself get into that hope too much – I didn’t want to be let down.  I did the research – I saw her odds – and I saw her.  I knew her so well.  She was so positive the whole time – so amazing.  But she never seemed scared, never showed emotion.  And I believe that was to protect us.  And because of that, I knew she knew.  My mom was so in tune with herself, her body, her being.  I think she knew it wasn’t good.  She would fight the good fight…and she did – like a warrior…but in the end, it was her time and she knew. 

I think a lot of times I am negative.  I always think the worst will happen.  It is a defense mechanism of course.  If I tell myself the worst will happen and it does – I am not disappointed.  If it turns out better – great.  It seems silly I know, but it tends to work for me…so I will just keep going with it.  Sorry Mom – I just don’t have your genes when it comes to positive thinking.  But that doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying….and I know when I do you are watching down smiling.